*Inhales and exhales deeply*… I know I don’t have a huge presence on tumblr and I sure no one ever notices when I do and do not post (especially if it is and original post) but I am posting regardless. It’s actually mostly for me to hold myself accountable for anything that happens from here on out.
Anyhow, I haven’t posted in the past few months because of my recent and long-fought struggle with depression. I have been beating myself up about things that aren’t even remotely my fault and doing excessively so over the things that are my fault and are within my control. Over the past several months I have gain nearly 30 pounds, stopped talking to people I love and shut myself out of everything that once made me happy. I believe that a lot of it has to do with my family and the fact that I don’t see them very often. Both of my grandparents got diagnosed with degenerative diseases- my grandmother with stage 4 lung cancer and my grandfather with a variation of Parkinson’s disease. I love them both so much and it pains me to think of how much they suffer. It has also come to light that my father (who lives alone) is also suffering from depression and loneliness.
This last year has also been financially horrendous- even getting to the point of homelessness and the inability to buy food. I have more debt than I’ll ever care to think about from borrowing from friends and banks just to make ends meet. I have also withdrawn from two semesters worth of classes and owe the school $8000 before I can in anymore classes.
At the moment, things are too bad and I’m recovering with an occasional setback- be it large or small. I have a darling boyfriend and two crazy dogs in a tiny house just on the outskirts of the city. Some days, I don’t want to move or leave the house, but I do anyway because I know that everything I do is important and once you’ve already hit the bottom there is only one place left to go.
I’m ready for things to get better because this is no way to live. At the moment I plan on starting my second job as a pizza delivery person in about two weeks and searching for students loans. I also intend on starting to work out again and get back to a healthier weight. Words of encouragement are always welcome.